


I Always Wanted a Twin [DISCONTINUED]

by FandomsAndFear



Category: Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Crying, Depression, Gen, Heterosexual flirting, Homophobia, Multi, Other, Panic Attacks, Sanders Sides (Video Blogging RPF), Self-Insert, but hey, homosexual flirting, if people like it, just something for me to work on in my spare time, loud noises, non-gender-specific flirting, not like full-on domestic abuse but, possible abuse?, sudden mood drops, there's some verbal shit, this is mostly a personal project, who fuckin' knows
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-10-07
Packaged: 2019-01-05 01:56:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12180633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FandomsAndFear/pseuds/FandomsAndFear
Summary: As a result of a random, lucky, lonely spurt of desperation, Ren finds that they're actually a Manifestor.this is written under the rules of @Prplzorua's Sander Side's fanfiction, Innerworks.





	1. creativity

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Prplzorua](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prplzorua/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Innerworks](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9560831) by [Prplzorua](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prplzorua/pseuds/Prplzorua). 



> Could you imagine if you were literally your own best friend? I totally can.

Ren sat and stared at the wall, letting the sweet sound of music flood the room and fill the atmosphere before the silence got too unbearable. The multi-coloured walls had always been a pleasant sight. The pastels weren't too bright, nor too boring, and many posters and paintings were neatly littered amongst the colours. Although, Ren couldn't wait for that glorious spark of motivation when they took down all the accessories and declared to their parents that they wanted to repaint the entire room, like they'd planned on at the beginning of the year.

Thinking had always been an easy way to occupy themselves. It was easy to get lost in thought. Ren absolutely hated to sound up-their-own-ass or narcissistic, but they loved having conversations with themselves. It was so easy to agree with yourself and make good points to yourself and suggest ideas to yourself.

Their head slammed against the pillow as they finished a mental sentence to themselves , and a painful reality hit them.

They were talking to themselve. No one else was in the house, let alone the room.

Ren was alone.

Ren was a teenager, with black hair (and a desire to dye said hair) and brown eyes and recently tanned skin. Their clothing style was non-existent, switching from all black and spiked chokers to a sweet pastel shirt, and a denim skirt, and a flowercrown. As well as switching styles, Ren often switched genders. Today was definitely a day where Ren felt no gender. So today was an Agender Day. The not-a-binder binder was lying on the arm of their couch, from their previous Male Day.

They sat up again, hopefully checking their phone for a text. Nothing. Ren had come home early due to a therapy session at 11, which had ended at 1, and then there was just no point in going back when the rest of their day was taken by P.E, a subject Ren loathed.  _Barely even a subject. Just child-torture._

So now they sat, home alone, with all their friends still at school. Even the friends who lived across the world, the ones in Florida and Arkansas who were just waking up or heading to school already. Ren never really talked to their parents just casually, but even if they wanted to, both parents were at work. Even their brother was working. The house was empty. They had absolutely no one.

Normally, this wouldn't be much of an issue. Ren could handle being alone, they often relished in the time they had away from people to just sit and relax and not worry about standards. But that didn't mean Ren hated talking to people. Being with their friends always hyped them up, and they loved talking. They  _really_  loved talking, wow.

And they so desperately wanted to talk. But there was no one here. They'd rewatched all the Thomas Sanders videos they could before feeling bad about people getting angry that they couldn't see his manifestations. So they fidgeted again, desperate for their mind to focus on something other than their loneliness.

They got up from the bed and stepped over to the shelves, picking things up and setting them down. Books, pens, coins, anything they could see. They had a habit of hoarding things. Most of the stuff on the shelf never peaked their interest, but they just couldn't throw anything out. What if they needed it later? What if it brought them random joy at some point? What if they just... missed looking at it..?

The whole thing just made them feel worse. The possibility of talking to inanimate objects was growing higher, and Ren already apologized when they slammed doors or bumped into tables. They didn't need to have full conversations with their furniture.

So Ren stepped away and began to walk again, hoping to maybe look through their wardrobe for a minute or two of distraction.

This plan was interrupted as they felt their foot slide, and in a moment the poor kid had collided with the soft carpet floor. Now, as the hot shame swelled on their face, many questions were rocketing through their head. The biggest one being hOW THE HELL DID THEY MANAGE TO  _ **SLIDE**_  ON  _ **CARPET**_ -

At least they had the dignity to laugh at themselves as they sat up, looking at their feet. A piece of paper lay a few inches from their foot, and a soft scoff filled the air.  
"Oh, duh. What else."

Ren reached over their legs and grabbed the paper, checking the contents. It was a drawing of one of their own sides.  
Ren knew they were a partial, at best. They definitely were not one person. Or at least, not a together person. Ren had never been able to create another physical being, probably due to their busy schedule. Or probably that they just  _couldn't_.

But they were creative, they could at least imagine what their different traits looked like.

Conveniently, the drawing was of their creative side. Ren was pretty sure they had 4 sides. Creativity - or Jojo, as the side liked to be called - was one of the more eccentric ones. They too, were agender. Jojo had the same general look as Ren, but with a little more pizazz. They had dyed streaks in their hair and bright eyes. Jojo painted freckles onto their face to enhance the few unnoticeable ones that Ren already had. They had a cool jacket with a galaxy print and ripped jeans and a white shirt with paint stains on it, with the phrase "This is my thinking shirt" printed onto the material.

Jojo was one of Ren's favourites. Ren didn't like themselves very much, but they had to admit that their creativity was something they were proud of.

As they looked at the paper, a melancholy sigh escaped into the air. Ren's head rested on the side of their bed, and they closed their eyes. The cold feeling of the quilt soothed them, and a smile perched onto their lips. Soft mumbles echoed into their head as they spoke.

"Could you imagine if I was Manifestor? I'd never be lonely. I'd always have someone when I needed company."

" _And_  talking to yourself would be  _ **WAY**_  less weird."

The second voice scared Ren beyond belief, so much so that an audible shriek was forced out of them and they fell back.

"SHUT UP!" The muffled voice of their neighbour reverberated through the wall, and Ren nervously laughed.

"Sorry!"

They sat up and then immediately froze.

There were  _legs_. Legs coming from the bed. And those legs had a torso and a head and  ** _holy moley_**  this couldn't be real.

In a stunned silence, Ren shot to attention, clutching the paper. They wildly looked from the sheet to the physical being sat idly on their bed. Identical. I mean, goddamn, Jojo had been the one to design themselves. Of course it would be.

"You're-"

"Jojo. Creativity. Yeah. I'll give you a minute, staring yourself in the face can be a challenge. Especially when you've got a face as cute as mine."

Ren blinked about 20 times in a minute, so uncertain and confused about what they were staring at. It was.. it was them. It was Jojo. It was their side, but they were actually  _there_  and  _real_  and a physical thing and-

Before they had any control, Ren reached out and touched Jojo's chest.

There was a moment of silence between them.

"This is a tad strange, Renny."

"You're real." Ren exhaled, and suddenly tears were welling in their eyes, "I'm a Manifestor."

Jojo laughed and grinned. Happiness radiated off of them, an aura of joy and oddly enough, the colour yellow.

"Well, yeah! We were waiting for you to figure it out, dummy. I'm extremely happy to be the first summoned, even if it might be a while before you can manage the others."

"Others..?" Ren's voice cracked, and Jojo wasn't sure if it was in happiness or fear.

"Yes, Ren, there are others. You're not crazy. There's more of us."

"How many?"

"Honestly? Kind of a lot. You're oddly complex for a teenager."

Ren let out a breathless laugh.  
"No, yeah, trust me, that's not odd. Lot of crap going on up here."

"You've got no idea."

Ren laughed again, now much more in control of themselves. Oh, this was amazing. They just couldn't believe it. If this turned out to be a dream, Ren might have had a breakdown when they woke up.

"Okay, okay, oh my god. There's more. I need to know about them, holy crap, Jojo-!!" Ren grabbed the other's cheeks and squealed, and Jojo returned the gesture.

"I know!!! AaaaaaahhhHHh!!!!" They squealed back and laughed, pulling Ren onto the bed. The two sat opposite each other and Jojo sat back a little.

"Alright, kid, I know you've got questions. Shoot em."

"Who else is in my head?"

Jojo gave a short laugh and shook their head. "That makes us sound like we're not supposed to be there."

Ren giggled, but didn't make a comment. They grinned wider, and Jojo could tell they wanted their questions answered.

"Alright, alright. Well, there's the 3 other main personality types, yes, you got that right. Humour, Reason and Anxiety. Then there's that damn toddler, she's your need for physical affection. Clinginess, if you will. We call her Shrimp."

"Why?"

"She's small, she has a pink outfit, and she  _really_  likes seafood."

Ren scoffed a little and nodded, readjusting their sitting position.

"Sounds like me as a toddler, yeah. Any more?"

"Yep."

Ren looked at Jojo expectantly.

They raised an eyebrow at Ren, amused. A smirk crossed their face.  
"Oh come on, kid, you know that's not how it works. I'm not going to tell you everything at once. I'm creativity, I'm the evil thought that tells you to give your OCs tragic backstories and to write cliffhangers for your friends. I'm not an open book, amigo."

Ren huffed in defeat. They probably should have expected that, but it was nice to have the hope that maybe they could know it all. It felt like it had been so long to get this ability, but they knew that others had waited way longer. Ren took a breath and looked up at Creativity.

"Well then. You wanna play Stardew Valley?"

Creativity shot up and grinned, dragging Ren to the laptop.

"You bet your ass I wanna play Stardew Valley!"

 

* * *

 

_**A/N: Howdy** _ _**! I'm Soda, the admin of the account. I write this story, obviously. I kept the first chapter short, mostly because I just wanted to give myself a little introduction to writing with AO3 and also to give you guys a little introduction to some of the characters.** _

_**Again, I wanna say that @Prplzorua is totally responsible for this even happening, to be honest. They came up with the super cool concept of Partials and Manifestors and such. I got a** **lil** **inspired, to say the least.** _

_**I also wanna clear up that writing this will be mostly for therapeutic** **reasons. If people like it (which I doubt lol), I'll treat it a little more like a story, but for now? It's just a fun little side project.**_

_**Hope you guys enjoy the madness.** _

_**Peace!** _


	2. panic and peace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> after spending some quality time with ren, jojo heads back to the mind space

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter includes a panic attack and swearing, so please try to avoid it if you're going to be upset by this material <3

Ren never thought they'd be able to have a panic attack whilst walking, and then still be hyperventilating once they got home. 30 minutes must have been the new record. They probably just prolonged it by never stopping to breathe when they were walking. But now they were home, with no more space to run and forget to inhale. The house was empty again, which was great at such a vulnerable moment.

God, they had never loved having negligent parents so much.

The attack was strong and violent and it had a tight grip on Ren's chest, as if their ribs were being crushed in a vice. The teen could barely move from the front door, eyes wide and staring blankly at the doorway in front of them. They were shaking hysterically, a hand stuck over their mouth to mask the desperate sobs and screams. There was never a true moment when Ren could be as loud as possible and cry as much as they wanted. There were always neighbours, always witnesses to see or hear you at your weakest. Despite how they didn't want anyone to see them, they wanted support. Someone to at least fucking help them up the damn stairs. This was unbearable, they could barely see.

"woah- Never gonna get use to th- HOLY SHIT REN-"

Jojo dashed forwards and slid to their knees, gently placing a hand on Ren's leg.  
"Sweetie, hun, Renny, look at me, are you-"

The manifestation was suddenly swallowed in a hug, falling back as Ren pushed all their weight onto them. After a moment of stunned silence, Jojo latched their arms around Ren's back and held on, gently rubbing their back to soothe the crying child. Sobs echoed in the hallway and made Jojo wince.

After a few painful minutes of this, Ren's cries quietened down, and Jojo stared at the ceiling. Ren made no movements, so neither did they.

"Anxiety did want to say sorry. I was wondering why."

Ren let out a hoarse laugh.  
"S-sorry-?"

"Yeah. They were having an attack, too. Didn't manage to get a reason out of them."

Ren whimpered and curled into Jojo's grip further. The creative side chuckled and continued to rub their back, feeling Ren's heartbeat against their own.

"You wanna talk about it, kid?"

"Mm-mm." They shook their head.

"...you wanna talk about it after a cup of hot chocolate and a cold blanket?"

There was a moment of silence, hesitation whilst Ren considered.  
The teen sat up, pulling Jojo with them, and smiled sadly.

"Yeah. Yeah I do."

Jojo laughed and stood up, bringing Ren with them, and wrapped an arm around the teen's shoulder.

"Come on, then. Sugary goods await us."

 

* * *

 

The cold of the blanket felt refreshing against Ren's sweat-covered skin, and they happily curled into it. They felt sleepy from crying, and (although they didn't know) it was also due to the energy it had taken to summon Jojo.

Speaking of the side, Jojo came into the room precariously holding a large mug. They made eye contact with Ren for a moment and grinned before continuing with their slow walk. They set the mug down onto the bedside table and smiled, sitting down next to Ren.

"Alright kid. You ready to bitch?"

Ren chuckled softly and nodded.  
"Sorry ab-"

Jojo put a hand up.  
"Nope. Stop right there. You don't have to apologize to me, ever. I'm part of you, Ren. I understand what you're doing through better than anyone. So stop feeling bad for yourself, and let's make ourselves pity the fuckers who started this."

With a small sniff, Ren nodded and tried their best to not cry from pure joy.

"Okay. So it started in photography.."

 

* * *

 

By the end of the bitching session, Ren and Jojo were in tears as they rocked back and forth, screeching laughter. For every new boy that had offended, insulted, or made Ren uncomfortable, Creativity added a new insult to their appearance or personality.

The current crown-takers were "Pot Noodle Head", "Tampon Boy" and "Stale piece of Toast dipped into rotten egg". Ren wasn't sure why, but that last one really got them.

The two had settled on an abundance of snacks and drinks, spending a good hour or two just complaining about the people they disliked. It was so therapeutic to just relax and complain and know that no one would talk about it behind your back. Ren was talking to themselves, but they felt less alone this time.

They gave a yawn, and Jojo chuckled, sitting back a little.  
"You need a nap?"

"Just...just for a while."

"I getcha. I'll take the plates down and then I'll sink on away."  
They grabbed the empty plates that once held cookies and Oreos and other junk, and stuffed them under an arm.

Jojo watched as Ren snuggled into the blanket, a soft smile on their face. They closed their eyes and sighed, and the creative side felt a stab of responsibility for their host.  
A smile overtook Jojo's face and they leaned forwards and kissed Ren's forehead.

"Sweet dreams, kiddo."

The side then took a moment to glance over the teen and make sure they were completely okay before heading downstairs to wash the used dishes. As they washed, they thought.

The sides knew that Ren had to be their own parent. Ren's parents, as hard as they tried, were negligent and sometimes downright rude. Ren had been starved of parental love for a while. So they gave themselves love, in an attempt to refill the gaps.  
It was their responsibility, as a manifestation, to guide their host. Jojo and the others were, in a way, Ren's adoptive parents.

Oh man.  
Jojo couldn't wait to tell the others about their new discovery.

 

* * *

 

Within the commons, Reason was sat in one of the beanbag chairs, being pestered by one of the fragments of Ren's childhood mind. The lady let out a sigh and set down her book, turning to the boy.

"Where's Humour? Doesn't he normally take care of you?"

The young boy who represented Curiosity (they often called him Kitty, because of the saying) ((they changed the saying so that it goes "Curiosity cuddled the cat", to avoid traumatising the kids and also to avoid Curiosity killing any future pets that they might own)) beamed and shrugged. "He's probably with Anxiety."

Reason sighed. Anxiety did have an attack today. And although they insisted that they were fine, Humour simply couldn't bear the thought of his dear friend being alone in such a sad time. The poor sucker really wanted everyone to be happy.

Another child approached from the hallway. This one was Wonder, whom they called Iris - due to her wide-eyed stare when she was caught in her spurs of awe. Iris and Kitty weren't the only kids running around in Ren's head, but they frequented the most - along with Shrimp, who was usually in Iris' arms.

Iris stepped up to them and smiled, and the two smiled back.

"Humour and Anxiety are having a movie marathon in Anxiety's bedroom. He told me to invite you guys."

Kitty turned. "What movies?"

"Disney."

"Whoo!!" The boy needed no further convincing, and bolted towards the hallways, sprinting to get to the bedrooms.

Iris looked back at Reason, who sighed.  
"Come on." Iris pouted a tad, "Please? Humour really wants you to join in. He miiiissssssessss youuuuuu."

"Preposterous." Reason shook her head, "Humour sees me every day. There's no reason he should be missing my company."

"Too bad. He does."

"Iris."

"Just do it? For us?"

"Those movies don't even make sense. They've got no sense of logic or-"

By this point, Reason had been so caught up in her rambling that she hadn't noticed that the younger child was dragging her to the bedroom, carefully holding Shrimp to her waist. The door opened and closed, and all the manifestations were deep in their Disney trance.

 

* * *

 

When Creativity returned to the Mind Space, they laughed and beamed at the sensation of their familiar, comfy bed. They took a few moments to stare up at the starry ceiling before excitedly getting up and rushing over to the baby blue door that led to the common room. Jojo began to speak as they opened the door.

"You guys, I've come to the bEST-"

And stopped when they realised no one else was there.

This struck Jojo strangely. Usually, the commons ALWAYS had someone in it. Humour, taking care of the kids or cooking or performing for the others. Reason, reading some kind of psychology book or telling the kids about a big new word they learned. Hell, even Anxiety would sometimes come in and play with the kids and make a few snarky comments towards Reason. But no one was there. Not even the kids, who couldn't be summoned.

It stirred in their stomach and Jojo looked around briskly, feeling their chest get tight at the simply idiotic idea that ALL their counterparts had f-

The fear and doubt were quickly shut out when Jojo spotted the light flickering from Anxiety's room. Upon further inspection, there was noise, too. That familiar instrumental, those rich vocals. Could it be..?

"YOU GUYS ARE WATCHING THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS WITHOUT ME????" Jojo burst into the room with a screech, and many of the manifestations screamed or jumped. Even Reason let out a shrill cry, and the kids began to laugh.

"You'll be the ones screaming in a minute-" Anxiety let out a low chuckle and leaned over to grab one of them, but they all scurried to the other side of the bed before Anxiety had a chance.

"Jojo!!" Humour beamed, "You're back! How's Ren?"

A smile fell onto Creativity's face. Gah, they loved their counterparts.

"Ren's doing much better. We had hot chocolate and cookies and nice blankets. They're sleeping now."

Reason glanced up. "So early? We don't want to repeat their old habits-"

"Calm down, Reason." Jojo chuckled, "It's just a nap."

Humour giggled and patted the space were the kids had previously been curled up. "Come on, sit down. As I'm sure you knew, we're watching some Tim Burton. Reason was beginning to ruin the traditional Disney flicks."

"Reason! How could you?!"

"How could Ariel be alive with that waistline, Jo?"

"Touché." 

Jojo crawled onto the bed and sat between Humour and Anxiety, grinning over at their opposite. Anxiety gave them a playful glare and looked back to the movie, idly relaxing their position. Though they tried not to invade Anxiety's space, Jojo did notice this shift. They felt a spike of pride that Anxiety hadn't shuffled away or tensed up at the prospect of Jojo being so close. Maybe it was just because there were so many people around anyway, but the creative side liked to believe it was because Anxiety was finally warming up to them.

"I swear I had something to say." Creativity mumbled.

"We're listening." Humour smiled in return, but he clearly wasn't. The movie had taken his full attention.

Creativity decided to speak anyway.

"We're Ren's parents."

Jojo looked around with concern as Anxiety choked on their breath and Humour let out a screech. The kids flailed their arms around desperately. "WHAT IS IT WITH YOU GUYS AND SCREAMING?!"

A massive grin was planted onto Humour's face, and he squealed. "I'm so sorry kids, I just- I'm- you- JOJO'S RIGHT!!"

He let out a noise somewhere between a sob and a laugh as he placed a hand to his chest. "I'm!! I'm a dad! For a physical being! Oh my god!"

The children looked upset by this statement, but they just rolled their eyes to each other.

"You weren't aware of this fact, already?" Reason glanced to her counterparts. "We guide Ren and we're responsible for the decisions they make. Of course we represent parental figures. Why wouldn't we?"

"Because we ARE Ren?" Anxiety looked up quickly, "Like, yeah, I get what you mean. But we aren't Ren's parents, we aren't responsible for their existence. We're a result of their existence. We ARE their existence, we just... we just make decisions. We don't... I dunno.. provide for them."

"Is that all a parent is to you?" Humour tilted his head sadly. "Someone who provides shelter and food?"

"That's all our actual parents are." They mumbled, curling their legs up to their chest.

Everyone in the room frowned and grimaced a little. Anxiety's views on Ren's parents were less than ideal. Jojo cautiously slid a hand on top of Anxiety's in a caring manner, but they just snatched their hands back to their legs.

"Well, at the bare minimum." Reason started, "We're responsible for the type of person Ren has become, and continues to become. We hold some sort of responsibility over them, similar to that of a parent."

"And!" Humour jumped in, "We love Ren just as much as a parent should! Probably more!"

Jojo chuckled softly and grinned at their counterparts.

"We all love and care for Ren. Even you, Anxiety."

Anxiety glanced up at Jojo, confused, and a little concerned, as to where this was going.

"You keep them safe. Yes, you sometimes go overboard. But you do your damn best to keep them from dangerous situations. So whether you like it or not, you KNOW you've got some sort of carer figure to play for Ren."

The embodiment of everything wicked in Ren's mind gave Jojo a smile.

"And let me guess, you're the gay cousin?"

Everyone in the room laughed, and for a moment, Humour could swear he saw a glint of pride in Anxiety's eyes.

 

* * *

 

 

_**A/N: is this chapter weirdly paced? yes** _

_**is it probably rushed and bad? yes** _

_**does it give you more insight into the characters and how they behave? yes** _

_**so i call it a win-lose situation** _

_**i hope y'all like this little instalment. i probably won't keep up the daily updates, but i'll try updating regularly. this is super fun to work on. and as well, i had a therapy session today!! whoo!!! :DD my therapist knows that im writing this, and she's actually super interested. it's cool to see a professional so intrigued by my hobbies** _

_**but that's that, and i dont wanna bore you guys** _

_**i hope you guys liked the update, and i hope you all have/had a marvellous day.** _

_**peace!** _


	3. drama club and haircuts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feeling good about yourself is important. Everyone needs some self-love now and again.

Ren burst through the door excitedly, rushing up to their room and closing the bedroom door. Their breathing was uneven, but they excitedly called up Jojo.

"AAAAAAAAAA-!!!" The manifestation clearly shared Ren's enthusiasm.

Jojo grabbed onto Ren's shoulders and shook, and Ren laughed as their head was flung back and forth.  
"YOU DID IT! AND YOU DID IT WELL, AND WITH CONFIDENCE! AAAAAAAAAA-"

"I KNOW!" Ren yelled back, "I SUNG, JOJO. I SUNG IN FRONT OF PEOPLE. AND I DIDN'T SCREW IT UP!"

"Never believed for a moment that you would." The side beamed in return, and Ren let out a long string of giggles and squeals.

Ren had just been to an audition for the after-school drama club. In order to have a larger role, you needed to be able to perform a scene from memory, and sing. Ren had been working with two other friends. And whilst they didn't have much to say during the scene, they did their damnest to do as much as they could whilst they stood to the side.

And, for the record, they had way more singing lines than the other two.

But Ren had never been so confident to sing in front of teachers before. They were bursting with joy, and had spent a good five minutes outside the school, loudly screaming and cheering with their friends. And even that hadn't gotten all their energy out.

The cast list was put up much sooner than Ren expected, only a few days after the auditions. Their friends had come rushing over, grinning and yelling, "IT'S UP! IT'S UP!" and they all went running to see who got who.

On the door of Ren's drama class, there was a list.

**_BEAUTY AND THE BEAST_ **

**_CAST LIST_ **

_Belle - Abigail Bartless_  
_Beast - Phoenix Glass_

"phOENIX HOLY SHIT-"

Ren, along with their friends, began to laugh and scream. Phoenix was the beast. 

Phoenix was a short girl, around Ren's height, who was quite chubby and very physically affectionate. She was eccentric and sometimes made people uncomfortable, but generally a good person.

To Ren, it made perfect sense to have Phoenix as the beast.

They kept reading.

_Gaston - Oliver Lembert_

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OLLY OLLY OLLY-"  
Ren grabbed their friend's arm. Olly was one of the people Ren auditioned with.  
"LOOKIT LOOKIT-!!"

He read his name and beamed, laughing as he quickly picked Ren up in celebration.

"OH MY GOD!"

"REN, HOLY FUCK-"

"AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH-"

Ren's attention was directed back to the cast list, where their top priority was now looking for their own name.

_LeFou - Ren Palacio_

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

Ren's scream was so loud, there was no doubting that teachers were about to come over and tell them to shut up. But Ren was too happy to care. LeFou had been the role they played in the audition. LeFou had been the role everyone thought Ren would be great at. LeFou was the role Ren had slowly come to love.

LeFou was Ren's role.

 

* * *

 

Jojo was, to put it simply, fucking thrilled.

All the sides were, but Jojo - the embodiment of Ren's character development and love for being someone else - was over the goddamn moon. They were already making LeFou's character into something he totally wasn't.

"Okay, but, he's trans-"

Reason let out a groan. It wasn't that she didn't like it when Jojo got all excited, but they could get carried away.

"Why is he trans?"

"Because Ren's body is small and they've got super feminine hips and a squeaky voice, and it would make sense! LeFou idolises Gaston, this big, burly, man of the town guy! Gaston is everything LeFou wants to be!" Jojo waved their arms around as if this was obvious.

"It's dark." Anxiety had arrived from somewhere, and it spooked Jojo for a moment, "I like it."

"Wh-" Jojo blinked a few times. "It's... dark?"

"Well, you said that LeFou idolises Gaston, right?" Anxiety sat down on the couch, watching as Jojo nodded.

"You've already made Gaston hurt LeFou more than once. LeFou is clearly in an abusive relationship with his idol. But consider this."  
Anxiety raised a finger, adding dramatic tension.  
"LeFou believes that all the abuse is just Gaston making him tougher and stronger, more manly, if you will. He's obsessed with being just like Gaston, and he thinks that abuse is how it'll happen."

Jojo sat in an awed silence, a grin breaking out onto their face.

"Ash, I could kiss you."

"Don't call me by my first name." Anxiety muttered, their face vaguely turning pink, "And don't kiss me either."

Reason coughed, and both sides turned to look at her.

"Not to interrupt whatever is happening here but... what's the point in discussing all this? The audience isn't going to know about your... headcanons, if you will, about LeFou's character."

"Who cares?!" Jojo grinned, "It's fun! It makes the character more interesting to play!"

Reason made a face, unconvinced.

"God, you're no fun." Creativity groaned and rested their head on the table.

"Put it this way, teach." Anxiety shrugged, "If we know more about the character we're playing, we play them better."

"I mean.." Reason took a moment to consider if she could argue against that, "No.. you're not wrong. Better development does make for better performance."

"diD YOU MENTION PERFORMANCE-" Humour's voice broke out from down the hallway, and footsteps began to echo.

Reason groaned.

"I'm going to my room."

 

* * *

 

That same weekend, Ren was feeling particularly masculine. And it was a good thing, too, because they were getting a haircut that weekend.

Being out with Ren's parents wasn't ideal, because they didn't know about the whole "I change my gender depending on my mood" thing, and so they still called Ren by their deadname.

Lauren.

It sucked to hear it (and to type it, write it, and even say it in public) but they knew it was better to just suck it up and deal. Besides, they were totally fine with the whole "I DATE GIRLS AND ALSO GUYS AND ALSO IN BETWEEN" thing! Ren just needed to wait a few years before they could talk about gender with their parents.

However, that didn't stop them from being as obvious as possible about it.

From wearing bras wrong to use them as binders, to buying a necklace with the male gender symbol on it, Ren was making no attempt to hide their gender fluidity. No one had asked, so Ren never said. They came into the hairdressers with their mum, and the two sat down. They'd been having a lovely discussion about careers and the weird suggestions Ren had been given for possible career choices. It made them relax, knowing that the conversation wasn't forced or pressured. It reminded them of when they could just talk to their parents and chill - before all the panic attacks and secrets and identity issues.

Eventually, a nice lady with blonde hair came over. She was the same person who cut Ren's hair last month, and she'd be the person to do it next month, too. Ren grinned and stood, following the woman to a chair. Knowing it was the same person made Ren more comfortable to talk about what they wanted.

"Alright, what's it today, love?"

"So, we're not going to touch the top. It's almost long enough for all of it to be in a ponytail."

"Almost there?"

"Almost there!"

The blonde lady laughed and nodded, gently running her finger through Ren's hair as they spoke.

"I just want to shave the sides and back again. But I want to go shorter this time."

"How short?"

"We'll decide when we get there."

The lady laughed and Ren grinned, feeling a jolt of pride. Maybe talking wasn't so hard! They weren't sure if maybe Anxiety was just taking a day off or something, but they felt great today. Maybe it was the woman playing with their hair.

The lady removed her hand and Ren felt a chill go down their spine.

No, yeah, it was totally the lady. Hairdressers had always been a way to trigger their ASMR. 

The woman began to clip the top portion of Ren's hair upwards so that it would stay in place, and she then walked away to grab the different razors. Ren heard giggling and glanced to the side, catching their mother laughing at the sight of Ren's new pineapple hairstyle. They laughed and nodded a little.

"I like this, I think it'll be in style next month."

"You are rocking the trend."

Ren grinned and laughed, calming down as the blonde lady came back. She set up the clippers and began to shave at Ren's hair. She made a comment about how fast it had grown, and Ren made a noise in response. They had closed their eyes and were enjoying the pleasant sensation of getting their hair cut. Eventually the woman stopped, and Ren opened an eye.

"You want it this short?"

A section of hair was shorter than the rest, and Ren considered.

"Mmm. Go shorter."

"Alrighty."

Another minute or two, and then she stopped again.

"Here?"

"I can't really see a difference. Uh.... ah, screw it. Shorter. Why not?"

The blonde lady laughed and began to shave again, grinning to herself.  
"I wish all customers were like you."

The comment made Ren laugh, but they were a little confused. Like them? Asking for a haircut? Asking for this particular haircut? A few moments had passed, but Ren decided to ask.

"You mean.. like... 'Why not'?"

"Yeah! Just shave it all off!" The woman laughed again, and Ren chuckled. Huh. It had never occurred to Ren that maybe hairdressers enjoyed cutting people's hair off. They'd only ever gone to hairdressers for trims. The one time they went to go from the middle of their back to a bob-cut, Ren had been greeted to shame and judgement.

_**"What? You're kidding."** _

_**"Do I have your parents' permission to do this?"** _

_**"You.. you're sure about this?"** _

_**"You've got such lovely, thick hair! Why would you want to get rid of it?"** _

Ren had been so close to backing out, but they had a friend with them who insisted that Ren wanted this. Why would you even ask that? Surely pressuring a client to NOT cut their hair just cuts your profits? It was strange. It felt nice to think that not all hairdressers were like that one, and that maybe they didn't care what you wanted to do with your hair. They just liked to play with it.

That's all hairdressers are.

People who like to play with hair.

 

* * *

 

"We are SO hot!" Humour exclaimed, watching with pride as Ren went on a selfie-rampage. This was a rare occasion where everyone in the mindscape - even Anxiety - was full of happiness and self-love and general goodness.

Even Reason was grinning. "It's so neutral. We look masculine, but this could easily be a girl's haircut. It could easily be both. Or neither! I really like this, it definitely has a powerful feel to it."

"HELL YEAH!" Jojo was already experimenting with new dyes and styles, "I'm loving it! Ooh, ooh! Next time, we should get stars shaved into the side of our hair!"

"AAAAA WE TOTALLY SHOULD!" Humour screeched, jumping up and down.

"Let's not get too ahead of ourselves." Anxiety shushed them, "Designs are tricky and risky. Let's just... focus on now. We've got a good haircut. We look great."

"Mmmmmm yes we doooo~!" Jojo fist-pumped the air, "I would totally kiss one of us. We look great."

"I'm sure Anxiety would lo-"

"Don't." Anxiety glared over at the other sides.

The sides glared back, playfully.

"Hoe- don't do it." Fear quickly flooded Ash' face.

All the manifestations moved slightly, getting into the position that race runners get into. There was a similar tense atmosphere, like the beginning of a chase scene.

"I sweaR TO GOD YOU GUYS-"

"RUN!" Jojo yelled, and all of them sprinted towards Anxiety.

The manifestation dashed to the side, hoping to get to their room before it was too late. But oh god, the hallway with all their bedrooms was so far and there were so many toys left behind by the kids and why the hell did Lust leave her jacket on the floor?? She doesn't even come out that much-!

Suddenly there was a pause in the consistent thudding from behind Anxiety and they were about to turn around.

And then Humour's body crashed into them, sending the both of them to a skidding halt on the floor. It didn't hurt, but rather made Anxiety laugh as the soft carpet tickled their sides.

The other sides immediately jumped onto the dogpile.

And all of them began to excitedly pepper Anxiety's face with kisses.

Self-love was the best feeling in the world.

Ash knew it better than anyone else.

 

* * *

 

_**A/N: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THIS HAS BEEN THE BEST WEEK OF MY LIIIIIFFEEEEE** _

_**Everything's just??? gone right??? :DDD** _

_**idek but im loving life and dRAMA CLUB IS BACK FINALLY** _

_**I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO DO WITH MY LIFE OTHER THAN CRY AND DRAW** _

_**WHOO!!** _

_**and i hope that you all had a great week as well!! :D why dontcha tell me what's been going on in the comments, huh?** _

_**have a splendid day/evening** _

_**peace!** _


	4. tired

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something's up with Jo. And where the hell did Ash go?

"Jo? You listening?" The sound of Humour's voice clued Jojo back to reality. They looked up, dazed and confused, to the concerned faces of Reason and Humour.

"Huh? What?" Jojo blinked a few times.

"Humour asked for your opinion on his idea." Reason spoke, "It's actually kind of odd that you hadn't suggested it first."

"Mmm." Jojo just nodded, not really paying attention as Humour spoke.

"So I was thinking stars-"

Even if this normally would have completely peaked Jojo's interest, they felt their eyes flutter closed and their muscles loosened up. Sleep was a mere moment away.

Reason intervened with it.

"Jojo, you're behaving strangely."

The creative side groaned and opened their eyes again, looking up at the two of them. "I'm fine, you guys. I'm just tired."

There was a silence. Jojo wasn't a tired person. Jojo was the energy, the life-force. Jojo was the oldest, the first one to be made, the first one to be summoned. They might not have been the 'Dad' of the group like Humour, but everyone relied on Jojo to be happy and positive.

Jojo wasn't supposed to be tired.

"Did you sleep okay?" Humour asked, worry in his eyes.

"I slept fine." Jojo mumbled into their arms, "It's just an off-day, y'know? I've probably got Creator's Block hiding somewhere in my room. It's fine, it'll pass."

The two other manifestations looked at each other - both unsure and wanting to do more to help. But what could they do? Jojo was the second most stubborn, following closely after Ash. Reason wasn't willing to argue with them, and Humour was too nice. So they changed the topic, and hoped that Jojo was right, and it would pass.

It didn't pass.

 

A few days later, in fact, Jojo had gotten worse. They barely spoke, only giving a shrug or an "I'm not sure" in response to questions. It was so out of character. Only days ago, Jojo had been turning a classic Disney character into a transgender man in an abusive relationship. Now they could barely even think of a small doodle in Maths. It was starting to make Reason uncomfortable. Humour had to take over for Jojo a lot of the time, but the two of them had very different ideas of what being artistic was.

To Jojo, being artistic was about expressing yourself and loving yourself. Jojo drew what they wanted to draw. Jojo put their own personal spin on characters and performances. Jojo did everything for Ren.

Humour saw art as a way of making others happy. Taking requests for drawings, telling jokes that other people wanted to hear, sticking to the script to appease the audience. Humour did things for other people, so that they'd like Ren.

Without Jojo grabbing the handle, Ren was giving themselves away to make other people happy. And when Reason would intervene, Ren became bitter and rude to the others around them. It was one of two moods; selfless or selfish.

What made Humour upset was that Ash was nowhere to be found. Not even in the commons to make a snarky comment from time to time. They had seemingly up and disappeared. The concern had been raised about fading, but was quickly thrown off when Iris heard Ash crying in their room. They had still yet to come out, but Humour and Kitty were yelling praise and support through the door.

Reason was quick to recognise what was happening.

Humour had been at the front desk, idly trying to get Ren to practise their lines, when Reason jumped up.

"We're depressed."

"Wh-" Humour turned, confused and distraught, "We're what??"

"Fits of depression often come in tandem with anxiety. What we're experiencing is one of those fits. Anxiety's mood is lower than normal, and they're trying to balance themselves out. Their aura has changed, and is automatically draining energy without them knowing. Since Jojo often gets close to Ash, they were the closest to be drained. So Anxiety is draining Jojo's energy, therefore making Jojo tired, and less creative."

Though Reason seemed happy with her conclusion, Humour was frowning.

"So.. how do we fix it?"

And then Reason's face fell.

"We.. we can't. Ren's already attending therapy, and we've been through this cycle before. We just need to wait it out."

Humour was clearly unhappy with this conclusion. He looked back to the screen, noticing the droplets of water falling onto Ren's script. He quickly set the script aside as to avoid ruining it.

"So we just... sit and suffer?" He mumbled, keeping eye contact to a minimum.

Reason sighed and nodded. "There's not much else we can do. Having Ash in control could be dangerous, and Jojo is in no state to produce ideas or motivation. As hard as it may be, it's up to us."

And as Humour nodded, he suddenly disappeared.

* * *

Ren wasn't sure why they were crying. Maybe it was due to the crushing realisation that their cycle of poor mental health was repeating. Damnit.

The child wiped their eyes quickly and let out a sad, tired sigh. They just wanted to laugh again. A real, non-forced, laugh. All this numbness and emptiness was wearing them thin. Ren sniffled and held back a sob, trying to think of something positive. Trying to think of someone positive.

"Wh- Ren?!" The voice made Ren look up quickly.

Fear clamped around their throat as they looked at the male figure standing in front of them. His voice, although clearly masculine, was high and full of emotion. Ren recognised his design. His comfy spotted shirt and messy hair, his bright eyes and instinctive smile.

"Benny..?"

Their sense of humour.

How the hell?

The boy quickly threw himself at Ren, pulling them into a tight hug.  
"Oh, I'm so happy to see you! To meet you!! I can't believe this, I'm finally here, you've summoned me, I can hug you and squeeze you and make you feel all happy and good and-!!"

He got caught in his excitement and squealed, pulling back to hold Ren's hands tightly.

Ren was still confused, but something about Benny's mood and his hug had pulled them back into a less dreary mood than prior. They still felt the empty pit in their gut, but there was a false sense of hope that Ren was okay with.

"I... I summonded you..?"

"Duh! How else would I be here??" He laughed, grinning wide, "Well, actually, there is a way I could have come without being summoned, but it takes a lot of energy and we're kinda lacking in that and whatever bUT-"

Benny giggled and smiled, looking at Ren with hopeful eyes.

"I'm really happy I'm here."

He hugged Ren again, his heart beating quickly. He was warm to touch and held with him an aura of safety and joy. Ren tried to avoid crying, but the felt the burning sensation of water growing in their eyes.

"I'm happy you're here, too."

* * *

_**A/N: howdy ho** _

_**this one is rEALLY short and im sorry. but, as the update does say, im dealing with some emotional shit and it's been super hard to write or even draw. i promise im trying my best** _

_**and hey, this thing has some story now! where the hell did ash go?? is jojo ok??? how will benny help ren? who are the otps in this fic?? whAT THE HECK IS REASON'S FIRST NAME????** _

_**Since I'm apparently growing an audience, I figured i might as well make this a little more story-developed. writing about depression is hard because it's literally just an extended feeling of numbness, but i've got some things planned ;)** _

_**hope y'all enjoy** _

_**peace!** _


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